Against my better judgment I am writing this. I am not sure if it will ever be sent but I think, no I know that I need to get this out of my head.  I am aggravated more so than I have ever been. I am trying to remind myself of all the things I have been taught about being a good person. You know how you are supposed to turn the other cheek, be the bigger person, treat others as you want to be treated, and I am having a really hard time with it. I know that some would tell me to trust in God and he will take care of me and show me the way.  All I can say is that I am trying. I went through this period in life where I refused to ask God for anything. I felt like he was not listening and I did not matter. My grandpa would tell me that God does not give us anything we cannot handle. I must say I laughed at him. I could not grasp how this could be true when there is so much cruelty and hatred in the world. I feel like over the past few weeks I have gotten so mired down in what I felt like was a truly horrible situation that I forgot to take a look around me and see the beauty in life.
I have spent the past few weeks struggling to find a way to deal with family. I have argued with myself about how I should handle a situation that I find ridiculous. There is so much finger point and yet no one wants to take responsibility for their actions. No I must admit that I have not done my best to make my in laws feel included. It is rather awkward for me when I try to talk to them. Now this is no excuse to exclude them from things. Hell I am not trying to exclude them to be quite honest. I simply think that both sides would make more of an effort (myself included).

So having said that, how does one go about fixing things? According to my mother n law I treat her like shit. I must say I find this rather amusing as I have not spent a lot of time with her. She lives quite a ways away and does not visit often. It does not help that my husband and I are kind of homebodies and do not go out much. I do not see his family much at all. Well I see his dad and step mom who by the way do not see me as some kind of horrible person. I cannot be too terrible if most people like me right? Anyway, how can I work towards fixing something if the other person cannot admit they have had a part in creating the problem? It is always a case of you did this and this is why I did this. If you had not done this then I would not have done this. It feels a bit like running in circles. I have heard quite often lately that I should talk to the person bothering me. I wonder how I can when anything I say is perceived as bitching. Or when I do it is met with sarcasm. I think one of my least favorite responses has been that my culture is different from theirs and maybe I need to grow thicker skin…I am stumped.  I do not think I need thicker skin. I simply believe that people should be respectful. What is wrong with being kind and compassionate? I was raised to think about others and I was taught that the world does not revolve around me.
Over the last week I have started thinking that maybe I should let it go.  I think that some people are just poison and at some point one must stop worrying about how that person feels. I need to do what is right for me and mine.

Wow, I already feel better. I guess I need to write more than I realized. I have spent the better part of the past two years hiding myself away for fear that my new in laws would not accept me. Somewhere along the way I guess I forgot that accepting myself was more important. It is difficult for me to accept that I have denied myself the simple act of being me in order to please others. I had thought that I had gotten past that. At one point in my life I would have simply told these people to fuck off. I would have borrowed a page from my brother's book. I would have stood up and told them from the beginning that that if they could not accept me for who I am then too bad. He has always told me that you have to stand up for yourself that in the long run you are the only person you can truly count on to do so. He also used to tell me not to start drama. If I start it then I am asking for it. However, if someone else starts it I should not stand by and take their crap without standing up for myself. This is kind of a catch 22 situation though. Sometimes the best thing either way is to not say anything. This is the case for me right now. If I reply then what I say can and will be used against me however they see fit and if I say nothing and give them no ammunition to use against me I am not playing into their drama and I am still wrong. I feel like I am being rather random but maybe it is the lack of sleep lately.
All I know for certain is that life is insane and it is way too short to let close minded people dictate how I should live. I know that when I stop to look at the bigger picture life is good.  I am sure later I will have more to say but for now I think I have said quite enough.